"i'm riscia. an ordinary girl full of extraordinary dreams. i want to fly, to read other people's mind, to be invisible and to have everything that i wanted with just a flick of my wand. i love things with a touch of pink, sky blue and lavender. i also love butterflies, small things, stars, stuffed toys, fairies, rainbows,butterflies and lots and lots of stars. i also lalove sweet things like chocolate, candies and etc. i'm usually quiet and reserved but when hyperness struck me, i'll suddenly transform into a totally different me. so yeah, this is me. i'm just like any ordinary girl."
that was my description for myself back when i was still in high school and right now, i'm too lazy to edit it. XD
6/24/2009 10:38:00 AM
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sigh. I guess I’m going to spend my birthday like always again, this year. I’m going to spend my birthday with only my family. I’m not saying that I don’t like spending it with them; it’s just that, I want to spend it with not only with them but also with my friends.
Anyway, I think you’re wondering why I said these things. It’s just that a few weeks ago, I envy Che for the reason that her birthday is in the month of June, meaning there are classes and she can spend it with her friends. And since, my birthday is on December 28, which is Christmas break, it’s hard for me to contact my friends to spend the day with me. Ever since, I wanted to be able to at least spend my birthday with my closest friends especially my high school friends who will I miss since were going to part ways after our graduation next year.
And I mentioned all of these things to one special person for me. He said that maybe he’ll try contacting my friends so that we will be able to spend my sweet sixteen together. I was glad hearing all of the things that he said and I guess I expected too much to the point that I believed and I already thought that those things will happen. But I guess those will never happen this year. Why? Because there’s a possibility that my special person will be spending the Christmas with his dad and his family in Dubai. I know that I shouldn’t be selfish but right now, I’m very disappointed. No, not disappointed but sad. I know that it is Christmas break and he obviously should spend it with his dad, mother and sister especially since his dad’s working in Dubai for the past few months but I just can’t help being depressed. Sigh.
Sorry. This post is full of negative feelings but I can’t say these things to him, so obviously, I’m just ranting here the things that I wanted him to know. Hoping that he won’t read this. :))
I think I'm becoming more insensitive about the things around me. It just makes me so annoyed with myself whenever I remember all the bad stuff that I just did. I judged someone unfairly. I doesn't consider someone's feelings. I'm too selfish. I think I'm just hurting the people around me. It feels like every time I speak, I just hurt other people's feelings. Am I really that bad? And maybe, it will really help me if I just shut up.
Maybe I'm really the one who's the bad person here. I even don't know what really happened and the truth behind it yet I already thought that I'm the victim here. I really hate myself.
But at the same time, I really pity the "riscia" inside me who's hiding and escaping the reality because she's wearing a really fake mask so that no one will ever know what's really hidden inside her heart and no one will ever see her crying.
Waahh.. I'm so mean.. Okay, I know now when to shut up and when to talk.. Maybe it's better for me to just shut up for the rest of the school year.. Haha..
Damn.. I'm so mean.. I think, I'm really the one who's insensitive..
i'm in a bad mood.. :( sorry.. though, natetempt na akong sabihin kung bakit, i can't.. i just can't.. hay.. i'm going to stop being a dreamer.. kailangan ko ng magising sa realidad.. hay...
Seryoso... ayoko sa friday na ito.. Sobrang nadepressed lang ako ngayon and all.. Hay... Because of three main reasons kung bakit ayaw ko ngayon sa friday.. Pero I'm not sure kung kaya kong sabihin.. Haha... Masyado pa ata akong depressed,eh.. Hahaha..
Kung ikaw ay may gustong mangyari ngunit dahil sa isang tao, bagay, hayop, o kung anupaman ay nawalan ng saysay ang mga ginawa mo para maabot ang bagay na iyon, titigil ka na ba? O magpapatuloy pa rin na abutin ang bagay na iyon?
Hindi ba dapat kung talagang gusto mong mangyari ang bagay na iyon ay dapat huwag mong iwan at pabayaan na lang na mawalan ng saysay ang mga ginawa mo? Bakit mo hahayaang mawala nang tuluyan ang bagay na iyon? Dahil sa ikaw ay naunahan? Dahil sa ika'y nabigo? Dahil sa ano bang rason? O baka dahil sa ikaw ay isa lamang duwag at hindi mo kayang harapin ang katotohanan pag ikaw ay nabigo at ginagamit mo lang ang dahilan na "naunahan" ka na.
Hindi ba't kapag may gusto ka, dapat gawin mo ang lahat upang makuha iyon? o upang mangyari iyon? Gawin mo ang lahat at lumaban ka ng patas. Huwag mong hahayaang mawala iyon ng wala ka man lang na ginawa.
Ito ang mga natutunan ko kay Mymy at dahil sa mga sinabi niyang ito ay nabuhayan ako ng loob, kahit ayokong mag-expect ay wala na rin akong magagawa. Binuhay ng mga salitang ito ang isang pag-asa sa aking isip at isa ring expectation na sa tingin ko ay magdudulot lamang ng isang pagkabigo sa akin balang-araw.
Ngunit, mas gugustuhin ko na ito kahit mabigo pa ako. At least, totoo ako sa aking sarili at hindi ako natatakot na tanggapin ang katotohanan. Hindi ako natatakot sa kung anuman ang ihahandog sa akin ng kinabukasan. Hindi nila ako matatawag na duwag.
Waah... I can't accept na may ginawa akong bagay na dati ko nang inisip na kapag ginawa ko iyon ay tiyak na pagsisihan ko.. Pero siyempre, makulit din ako at hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko kaya eto ako ngayon.. Nagsisisi..
Hay.. grabe.. di ko inaakala na dahil sa mga ginawa ko ay mapupunta lang sa wala ang mga inaasahan ko dati.. Ngunit, ano pa nga ba ang aking magagawa? Nangyari na rin iyon at kahit gaano ko pa gustuhin na mabago ang lahat ay wala rin naman akong magagawa.. Hindi ba?
Isa na nga lang siguro ang kaya kong gawin ngayon.. ang tanggapin ang lahat ng mga nangyari... >At umasa na sana ay mabago pa ang lahat..<
